I so relate to every word of this post. I especially relate to the part about being reliable. I too have days where I feel like my old, before cancer self – at least with respect to my focus and ability to handle the day, my work, schedule, kids’ schedules, family stuff and then there are days where I am right back to some weak place – like it hasn’t been three and a half years since I was diagnosed. I am so tired and unable to continue with my day, so wiped out.

My favorite (NOT) thing that people say to me when I tell them I am frustrated that I can’t remember something or that I am so tired is “Oh I forget stuff all of the time, it is called getting old”

Give me a break. I was sharp before this and I miss that sharpness. I still have it on my best days, I still can come up with things fast on those days. But, then there is a fog that settles in and takes me right back to how I felt when I was in the midst of treatment.

I don’t know if it is PTSD or simply just being too fried from returning to my old life (and trying to measure up to everyone’s expectations – how do you tell a kid that the movie you were going to take them too – that they have been waiting all week to see – isn’t going to happen because you are too tired to go?) You don’t, you go, because I will be damned if I let them down. But, then it has to give somewhere, from some other place in my life. And that is so frustrating – I feel like I am being whooped by it all of the time and the most frustrating thing about it for me is the inability to be reliable, to not know with certainty when I am saying yes if I will in fact be able to do it.

I used to pride myself on being reliable, the person everyone could count on. I like your suggestion of being “gentler” on yourself. I am going to borrow that and make it my mantra. It is against my grain to say no when asked to help, against my grain not to be “in it” 100% . . . that is what bugs me the most. Sigh.

But, we are here and have much to live for and to do.

I wish you peace of mind . . . I know it does not come easily after all you’ve been through . . . I have not yet found it. That unknown, seemingly ticking time bomb looms. But, then I am encouraged by those days where I don’t think about that clock.. A whole day of not thinking about it, not being reminded of cancer. A day at the beach for example. I had one on Sunday and it was good. Of course carrying things back to the car was nearly impossible – damned lymphedema – but a 12 year old picked up the slack for me and we all made it back to the car . . . so Sunday, life was good. Today? Well, that is another story. But, I am going to work on having more days at the beach – if only figuratively.

All the best to you and THANK YOU for putting into words what I am feeling/have been feeling. I posted your post on my wall in the hopes that family and friends will “get it” . . . so thank you.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Lisa

Thank you for reminding me of what is in front of me. I too have been focused on a clock lately. Which – to the degree it motivates me to do things that are positive – then great. But, there are days where that clock looms over my head like a time bomb and it is hard to get past that. But, you are so right. It diminishes my time to focus on that aspect.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I truly appreciate it.

xoxoxoxo
Lisa