June 22nd, 2012

I have not disappeared, dear blog readers. Summer started around here, right after my last post, complete with graduations, barbecues, summer camps, fireflies, and mosquitoes.

Now that my last surgery is over, I have the goal of finding new equilibrium in my life. Under the best of circumstances, managing a career, family, friendships, marriage, and health is a big undertaking. When 2 years, 7 months, and 11 days of cancer treatments get thrown into the mix, it becomes impossible. So much has gone to the wayside.

My pact with myself is to start picking up the pieces of all that has been cast aside.

My two biggest challenges? Limited energy and impatience.

I still get worn out by the end of the day, sometimes to the point where I have to climb in bed. My to-do list is long, and it includes giving more of myself to the people I love.

I have tried to meet this challenge by managing my energy. Everything and everyone is now sorted into two categories: energy giving and energy draining. Things in the latter category are ruthlessly put aside. Children, are of course, a bit of both, but I am their mother and I love them. To give them more of me, I am cutting back on some   hours at work while they are out of school. I am glad to have this as an option, even though it may make the financial equilibrium a more distant reality. The soul satisfaction I feel when I bake a pie with my daughter, take my kids to the park, or just hang out and snuggle lets me know that I am on the right track.

It’s hard because part of me is used to my take-no-prisoners approach to catching up when I fall behind.

But I am so behind. And when I hit the wall, it is made unforgiving, solid brick.

I know I won’t knock out all the things I wish to do this summer, but if I can give back to the people I love, I think I will be happier.


This entry was posted on Friday, June 22nd, 2012 at 3:56 pm and is filed under Survivorship, Wellness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

14 Responses to “Equilibrium”

  1. June 22, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    This is one of those times where I heartily encourage you to be ruthless, be greedy and totally selfish in your time. You clearly now how to choose and what your priorities are, and I want to encourage that. There’s nothing more important right now than taking care of your health so you can enjoy your family and your life.

    Take time. It’s quite beautiful.


  2. June 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    I hear you on the “take no prisoners approach” and then hitting an “unforgiving, solid brick” wall. I’m with you on both of those. In a former life, I was the take no prisoners person.

    My “stuff” got done, it got done “perfectly” AND it got done ON TIME. Now? Not.So.Much and frankly, I.Don’t.Care.

    Kids aside (and sometimes if their stuff is stupid… and bearing in mind my “kids” are both older and capable of their own stuff-even my KIDS) …. I learned something important from another woman.

    “After me, you come first.”

    I repeat it frequently to make sure I’m no longer sacrificing the things that matter most to me in order to satisfy some else’s needs.

    Enjoy the summer. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy the day that begins on 2 yrs, 7 mos, day TWELVE. You earned it.

    Love and hugs,


  3. Lori Marx-Rubiner
    June 23, 2012 at 9:27 am

    I can relate on so MANY levels! What I’ve learned from being a little further along the path is that the ability to know (heart and mind) that we can’t do it all, and at there is very little satisfaction in doing it all allows us to freely prioritized into ” that which fills us,” “that which we need to survive,” and “that which we would have wasted our time on BC.” The simplicity of it is beautiful. I hope you are off enjoying your kids!!

  4. June 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Soul satisfaction is the best kind. You’re choosing wisely.

  5. June 24, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Enjoy each day this summer gives you. And never feel guilty if you can’t write as often as you would like. We all understand juggling and energy boosts and drains. Just don’t give me those surgical drains again! xx

  6. June 25, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I hear you, Lani. I’m dealing with the same struggles. Perhaps it’s having young children and it being summer, or at least for me, maybe it’s because I can push cancer into the background a bit more now and the rest of life falls in place. I hope it can stay that way, though I do miss the day to day blogging interaction. Enjoy your summer with your family!

  7. June 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Oh, CB, I can so relate to this. I’m still working on this, nearly 4 years after diagnosis, 3-1/2 years after active treatment. It’s a much slower process than I’d hoped it would be. So many things have fallen by the wayside, and I’m at the stage now where I have done some sorting and am trying to put back some of the things that are energizing. Hard part is what to do about the ones that require some energy output to get to the energy payoff! Keep telling myself to have patience. Life is a about the journey, not the destination. xoxo

  8. June 26, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    You’re also a driven professional in demanding job, one that you love but one that requires a lot of you. You also give of yourself tremendously to a community of people who value you and willingly accept all you are willing to give. Chisel away at that wall in your own time. We’ll be here when you get to the other side. — Gayle

  9. June 27, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Best of luck finding your equilibrium. Managing a career and cancer is quite the adventure, but I am sure you will find the right middle ground.

  10. June 28, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Oh, Lani, this posting so resonates with me! I’m 11 years out and trying to keep some sort of equilibrium. I have also made a list of energy-drainers and energy-givers.

    You come first. Take the time to rest and be easy on yourself. Sometimes our own expectations are our own worst enemy.

    Very poignant posting.

  11. June 30, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Lani, you do need to take care of your health and recover and I love the idea of putting things in two categories – energy draining and energy lifting.

    Summer is a time to gather energy, from the sun, from your family, from whatever warms you. Take that time for yourself and regroup. Big hugs.

  12. July 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    In the end, family is everything, so your time and energy will be well spent. I miss family more than anything. When James died, his family was blown to bits. So very sad. That was never more poignant for me than the 4th of July. We always had family out, homemade ice cream and had a great time visiting with one another. Strange how life as we know it can disappear in a blink.


  13. July 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Love this post and all the comments. Very smart and sound and orienting. 😉

  14. July 17, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I like your idea of sorting things into energy-giving and energy-draining. That’s such a nice way to see things, and takes away the guilt too!

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