May 20th, 2012
I imagined that after a week of resting and recovering from my last surgery, I would compose a blog post full of gratitude.
In my mind, I played with how I would balance expressing the humble appreciation I feel for all that has been done for me and my family over the past 2 years, 7 months and 11 days since that awful day I received my diagnosis. I fretted because I knew may miss some of the generous gestures that may have escaped my memory or notice.
To be sure, I am grateful. Unspeakably so. I will spend the rest of my life graced by the knowledge that friends near and far, colleagues, kids’ friends, neighbors, classmates, fellow congregants, community members, mentors, acquaintances, and even strangers came through with uncountable kindnesses.
I want to tackle that writing problem. It seems gracious and puts a nice bow on things.
But I am overwhelmed by a less warm and fuzzy set of issues.
I should know this emotional terrain by now. Whether the end of chemo or radiation or whatever, these finish lines in treatment seem to vanish like mirages when I actually close in on them. They have always been fraught.
We focus on them, fantasize about how they will mark a fresh start, a new beginning.
They may be markers, but they do not operate so cleanly. In reality, we are damaged, compromised, and our lives are filled with incomplete and long delayed projects. Chaos has entered our lives. Where do we begin picking up the pieces?
Photo by Micke W.
There is no pause button in my life. Everything rolls on, even as I try to heal. My work projects move forward, with crises, deadlines, and important decisions. My children and husband need me –– there are carpools to coordinate, conferences to have, problems to solve, finances to refigure.
I want to take stock of the damage these past years have brought, to clear out some of the mess so that I can figure out where to begin anew.
Photo by Xorlaryn
But, once again, I am lost.
Where do you start?
How do you find the space to deal with the chaos cancer brings?
This entry was posted on Sunday, May 20th, 2012 at 11:23 am and is filed under Survivorship. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.