“It’s Been Awhile”
April 11th, 2011
Academic conferences are, among other things, a kind of reunion. My career has traversed a number of communities. Every place I have been, I have made friends and built relationships. We often keep distant tabs on each other, mainly through our work.
In between paper sessions and talks, the life of the conference takes place over meals, coffee, and receptions. That’s when you get to see your old friends and catch up. It was interesting to re-enter that world this past weekend after having gone through a great personal challenge.
I am not going to write about the few people who seemed to be avoiding me. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they did not recognize me with my corkscrew curls, which only got screwier in the New Orleans humidity.
I was pleased with the grace that a number of my friends and colleagues showed me. I thought I’d catalog them here since I am often told by witnesses to the life tragedy of cancer, “I’m not sure what I should say.”
A grad school friend
We were walking together, and she stopped and turned to me. “Can I just say how sorry I am for everything you’ve been through? When I got your news, it hit me so hard. There are so many ways our lives are similar, and you are the first of my contemporaries to deal with this. I am so glad you are doing better.”
A former professor I knew mostly at a distance.
“I want you to know that I am so proud of you. I love your blog and have sent a number of friends there. What your doing is great.”
A former mentor
Meaningfully: “I am so glad to see you here.”
Friends I hardly ever see but I can really talk to
“We can talk about this if you want, but we don’t have to.”
(And they meant it 100%.)
Friends who faced their own challenges the past two years
“I am so sorry I couldn’t reach out. I was so swallowed up in my own life. But I thought about you all the time. And I’m so glad to see you.”
****
It’s normal to have long gaps between seeing colleagues. At one reception, someone I hadn’t seen in over five years came up to me, brightly saying, “Wow! Lani! I love your hair!” I just smiled and said thank you.
Then he looked at me intently and said, “So how’s it going? How have you been?”
I had to say that the true answer makes terrible cocktail party conversation, and then outlined briefly the chronology of events.
I felt like the wet blanket at the party.
Overall, it felt like another important transition back into my old life. I am glad to report that I was received with a warm welcome.
This entry was posted on Monday, April 11th, 2011 at 8:21 am and is filed under Survivorship. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The hair comment is funny. I had that one as well. “I just love your new hairdo!!!!” I’m glad that you have received a warm welcome. It’s these little milestones that can sometimes feel like some of the most important.
I love this. So much pressure is put on people to say the right thing, but it seems we have so little practice talking about disease. I am glad you shared this.
I’m going to make an idiot’s observation here: Of course, I’m sure all your old friends and colleagues were genuinely glad to see you were “back” so to speak. Of course, I’m sure they all genuinely meant everything they said about your illness, their condolences & their willingness to talk/share/offer support.
BUT-
I’d be willing to wage real cash money that as genuine as all that was, all your friends and colleagues were equally glad to see you and know you’re still here because you are one very special person who seems to have the unique ability to “touch” the lives of those around her.
I bet it was that, too. Just sayin’. But like I said: Idiot’s observation. What do I know? ;-D
There are so many transitions aren’t there? I try to remember transitioning back is hard for those around me too. It helps make some of the awkward moments slightly more tolerable.
I so relate to the hair, mine is in a crazy stand out straight mode right now. And that wet blanket feeling, totally understood.
I love academic conferences. Because of my online other identity (my persona, Hummingbird604), I attend a lot of social media ones, but academic conferences have a way of making me happy than no other type of conference does.
Thanks also for linking to Derek’s blog (I read another of your posts). I’m a friend of his and Airdrie (Derek’s wife) and it’s nice to see him talked about and recognized in other blogs
xo
R.
Thanks for the comment, Raul. Derek touched a lot of lives. xo