Annus Horribilus
December 31st, 2010
As 2010 comes to a close, I can’t look back.
The networks and interwebs are abuzz with recaps of the year –– Best of, Worst of, Most Important, Funniest, Craziest. My blogger buddies are doing wise and witty retrospective posts.
All I can think of as I cross the 2010 finish line is, “Ugh!”
I don’t want to look back. Like a seedling seeks the sun, my weary body and assaulted spirit turn toward the future.
The past few nights, I have had dreams of living in a war zone and being attacked by vampires. I wake up in a panic, relieved that I have narrowly escaped death.
And those words resonate in my mind everyday. “I almost died this year.”
If my treatment hadn’t worked, that would have been it for me. My cancer was aggressive and advanced.
I better understand the women I met who tell me that they have erased the memories of their chemotherapy. “It’s like a bad pregnancy,” one survivor told me. “You have the baby and the memories of suffering go away.”
I don’t quite have the metaphorical baby in my arms. I just see my altered body and struggle with my limited energy. Despite all that the chemo wiped from my brain, I have not forgotten my suffering.
No, I don’t want to look back. I am instead staring straight ahead into the future.
Happy New Year, everyone. May it be a year of happiness, health and healing.
This entry was posted on Friday, December 31st, 2010 at 10:46 am and is filed under Survivorship. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Stay strong & may 2011 be healthy, peaceful & marvelous for you!
What you can’t see Lani, was the beautiful, intelligent woman who tackled cancer straight on. You were and are amazing. If it was possible for you to be even more than you were before you are now. Look forward, plan with hope and joy. There’s a sisterhood out here backing you up.
Love,
Jody
Thanks for the shout out dear one.
Yes, here’s to a better healthier 2011. xoxo
I too am not looking back even tho my first 1/2 of 2011 will be a rough one, beginning chemo in Jan, followed by radiation so I don’t believe I will be feeling better until around the holidays next year but it is a fight that I must do to live and I am just ready to get on the road to being healthy again. Thank you Lani for all your information and support you provide.
You’re dreaming about vampires ? I’m dreaming about my husband taking a second wife. And she has breast cancer so I don’t feel left out !!!!! If ever there was an excuse for sleeping pills, breast cancer nightmares are it, for sure. Unfold yourself, look up and stand tall my friend. 2011 will be your year. xxx
I’m so with you on this – what a year it has been and no wonder you are having nightmares. I am also focusing on the coming year, and have picked three words to guide and inspire me this year – harmony, vitality and adventure.
As much as I hate cancer and what it has done to us, I am thankful beyond belief for the special friendships which otherwise I would not have made.
Take care, keep shouting and thank you for your very special friendship.
Love and warm wishes that 2011 will be kind to us all, from sunny Yangon
Philippa
xxxxx
I think all of us had a few of those bad dreams. I, too, was so ready to “pack up” 2010 and leave it behind. I hung up my new 2011 calendars today with a new appreciation, other years I did not give such a thing a second thought. Here’s to the new year being a better one for all of us!