December 31st, 2010
As 2010 comes to a close, I can’t look back.
All I can think of as I cross the 2010 finish line is, “Ugh!”
I don’t want to look back. Like a seedling seeks the sun, my weary body and assaulted spirit turn toward the future.
The past few nights, I have had dreams of living in a war zone and being attacked by vampires. I wake up in a panic, relieved that I have narrowly escaped death.
And those words resonate in my mind everyday. “I almost died this year.”
If my treatment hadn’t worked, that would have been it for me. My cancer was aggressive and advanced.
I better understand the women I met who tell me that they have erased the memories of their chemotherapy. “It’s like a bad pregnancy,” one survivor told me. “You have the baby and the memories of suffering go away.”
I don’t quite have the metaphorical baby in my arms. I just see my altered body and struggle with my limited energy. Despite all that the chemo wiped from my brain, I have not forgotten my suffering.
No, I don’t want to look back. I am instead staring straight ahead into the future.
Happy New Year, everyone. May it be a year of happiness, health and healing.
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