July 28th, 2010
I have often wondered if I have a motto. Certainly “don’t kvetch” would be a contender.
That is to say, it’s hard for me to write about the challenges of my current situation, without couching it in incisive analysis or wry humor.
But right now, I don’t have much of either.
I talked to my husband a bit and had a little cry. He lent an ear, but he too is weary. I tried a few friends I keep on speed dial and got sent to voicemail.
Maybe it’s self-pity talking, but I feel like everybody is sick of my cancer and is ready for me to move on.
Since my usual supports are not available, I’m talking to you, my dear readers. Here is my latest angst.
When people see me these days, they say two things. First: “Wow! Look at all your hair! You look great.” And, “How are you feeling? Are you getting back to normal?”
I feel obliged to try to explain how my life hasn’t just been put on hold for these past 9 months. Damage has been done. It’s not just picking up where I left off; it’s repairing all that has been broken.To make matters worse, I am not the same. My usual modus operandi of storming through and getting stuff done does not work. My energy is limited, my capacities diminished. I am drained by long term emotional and physical effects as well, as I contend with horrible body grief and continued pain from my surgery.
Some of my well-meaning friends listen compassionately as I try to revise the expected survival narrative of gratitude and relief at “being done.” Others reinterpret my story as a matter of time and patience, as if these are all that stand between me and my former self.
Maybe it was a bad idea, but I started reading and actually watching videos of what reconstruction (which won’t be for 18 months) will entail.
I will summarize for you here in one word:
Again in one word… my reaction?
I am having trouble seeing my way out of this current state. I feel rudderless and confused.
These are not emotions I am accustomed to in my previously focused and purposeful existence.
Update: I got an amazing response from this from CURE magazine. What a gift.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 28th, 2010 at 11:29 pm and is filed under Survivorship, Wellness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.